Melt down

I’m still not sure what happened that morning.  I was so ready to get started in the new year with my new company and all of the things I had planned.  I was back on BlogTalkRadio with a new show, a topic I’m very familiar with; step 1 of The Internal Makeover.  The radio show has always been fun for me, I love chatting with guests and callers.  It feels spontaneous and exciting; it’s much easier for me to do that than it is for me to write a blog post.  So, here I go.  The show is scheduled, I have FaceBooked and Tweeted it and I’m sitting at my desk looking at the switchboard and the countdown begins, the music starts, I usually let that play for about 15 to 20 seconds.  I’m always in such a hurry to get to the content that I rush through the music and intro, not today.  30 seconds of music turns into 45 and I’m not wanting to stop it.  I reluctantly stop it at 1 minute 20 seconds, I give my intro and off I go. 

The words aren’t coming, I’m stumbling and searching and it’s getting worse by the minute, the more I try the more tongue tied I become.  I am empty and in a panic.  On the switchboard there is only one caller, my boyfriend who is my biggest fan.  Without hesitation I end the show, I’ve only been live for 3 minutes, which feels like 30. Don’t know what I would have done had there been more callers, engage them until I hit the zone?  While I’m closing the program I look at the chat room, 1 person.  I don’t know who it is, don’t recognize the screen name, oh well too late now it’s done.  What happens next is  interesting; I create all types of crazy scenarios in my head.  There was a power outage,the cat ate the cord, I was abducted by aliens. 
Anything but the truth; I choked.  What’s going on here?  What happened?  This isn’t anything new for me; I’ve done many shows before.  But that was before, when it was just something fun to do.  Now there is a strategy behind it, trying to build my platform as an expert in the field.  I’m taking more risks, stepping out in a bigger way.  Then the voices start; who do you think you are?  You’re not qualified to do this, go back to what you know.  Along the way I have been warned about the subconscious mind and its’ single purpose in keeping us safe, it assumes many shapes and forms, surprising us in the most unlikely ways.  When retreating is not an option what do you do?  Can you welcome it?  Have conversations in the 3^rd person?  Or just observe and admire its’ tenacious quality?  Yes to all!  Anything short of allowing is admitting defeat.  Journeys are full of opportunities to be better, to play a bigger game and advance to the next tier.  “Get comfortable being uncomfortable” is one of my coach’s favorite mantras, that pretty much says it.  You can stay on your couch where it’s nice and cushy or you can take the leap and reach a little higher, stretch a little further and be a little bigger than you once thought you could.   Don’t worry about getting beaten up; you’ll heal, stronger than before.